it doesn`t matter how long you`ve been friends for

a long-form personal essay about a beloved topic of mine: friendship

From Up on Poppy Hill (2011) by Studio Ghibli

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم (in the Name of Allāh, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful)

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.”
- Helen Keller

When I think of friendship, I often think about two or more people who’ve developed a bond that’s lasted a certain period of time, people who know each other and feel safe in each others company. I think of my own friends, old and new and how they’ve made and continue to make me feel. Appreciated, seen, included, embraced, loved. Important, valued. They make me view myself as a human worthy of being loved, smiling and laughing. 

I`ve realized that it can be that it takes effort to maintain, preserve and nurture a friendship. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks after graduating high school and university. It requires effort, but not in the sense that it`s burdensome, but because maintaining a relationship with someone requires that both parties put in work and are present (could also be virtually, for my internet-friends girlies). When I no longer had school as a common arena between me and my friends, and I didn’t meet them five days out of the week, I understood what needed to be done on my part.

@yugiohz on tumblr

My friends and myself are now navigating our twenties and thirties. We are in the process of, or well into, exploring who we are, our interests and what life has to offer. You put in the effort it takes to maintain a friendship because you care about the person you day decided to befriend one random day. You want the spot they’ve acquired in your heart to continue to belong to them. The intrigue and curiosity that took place in the depths of your mind when you first laid your eyes on them, and you told yourself that you wanted to get to know them and become their friend.

A friend isn`t someone you veil yourself from, though it is scary to remove your hard shell in front of another person, without any garantee that they won`t abandon you. It puts us in jeopardy. But you remove your shell, bit by bit, and become vulnerable in front of them, because of who they are. A companion, a trustee, a warm blanket on a cold night, a beautiful flower blossoming during spring. Someone who will want you to stand upright and on the right path, who will give you heartfelt advice when they notice that you`re getting too close to the edge and too far away from the middle.

by Trista Mateer via @dr4gme on tumblr

I used to (and sadly still do) compare myself to people who are still close friends with the people they went to kindergarten or elementary school with. It leads me down a path of shame, maybe even guilt for not being able to save my old friendships from running their inevitable course. Now that I actually think about it, I don`t know a lot of people who have this type of “friendship streak”. Maybe I thought it wasn`t an exception, but a rule.

I don`t want to compare my beloved friendships to anyone else’s. Not in terms of its length, its quality or anything. I met most of my close friends during or after high school. There`s nothing wrong with that, there`s no shame in it and it doesn`t make it any less than a friendship that has lasted since one was wearing a diaper. It doesn’t matter when you`ve met a person that is now a very important part of your life. Just that you had the pleasure of meeting them, getting to know them and that your lives are now intertwined and, hopefully, deeply integrated.

via @dr4gme on tumblr

Navigating the hardships of life together can truly strengthen the bond between two friends. You can find yourself in a difficult situation and have a person you befriended two months ago show up in your time of need, suddenly catapulting you into the category of “close friends”. Or you can be friends with a person for years but not be close because of the absence of vulnerability and intimacy.

“Love is a quiet, reassuring, relaxing, pottering, pedantic, harmonious hum of a thing; something you can easily forget is there, even though its palms are outstretched beneath you in case you fall.”

Everything I know About Love by Dolly Alderton

The quote above reminds me of the friendship between my “oldest” friend and I. She knows who she is. We don`t meet multiple times a month for a sleepover or hang out as much anymore, but I think we know that we will forever have a place in each other`s hearts and souls. The care, consideration and love I have for her never diminished, latent.

unknown author?? via @dr4gme on tumblr

I used to think that a romantic relationship is the crème de la crème of relationships. The Final Boss. That it`s a type of relationship that will exceed everything else and shower me with feelings I`ve never known before. A romantic relationship differs from a platonic and familial one, but they are unique in their entirely own ways. It is my family, my friends and my religion that has taught me about love. Familial and platonic love are the first forms of love I`ve been introduced to, and a type of love that can carry on throughout life and reach the afterlife.

As the hopeful romantic I am, I do look forward to the day I find my person and vow to be with him through thick and thin, but until then and beyond, I will continue to treasure the relationships I already have, that already mean so much to me, that already have saved me so, so many times.

I don`t know what the future has in store for me and my friends. I don`t know how long we will even remain friends. All I can do is cherish, treasure and value them and pray that they remain in my life for a very, very long time, even surpassing it and carry on to the next one. I want to be present in my current friendships and not feel guilt for what could have been.

“Be a better friend to yourself. Stop fixating on what you don’t have. Slow down and relish what you have, with all your heart. The more you do that, the more joy will pour into your life from every direction. Soon, you’ll be too satisfied to remember to ask yourself what’s still missing.”

‘I Wish I Had Old Friends!’ Ask Polly by Heather Havrilesky

@amor_fatti on “twitter” (i can`t bring myself to call it a single letter)

Now that I`ve gotten older, I understand how dangerously easy and quick it is for two people to grow apart. You enroll in different schools, study different courses at university, have different jobs, find “the one” and marry them, you become a parent etcetera etcetera etcetera. I think we are continuously being shaped by our environments as long as we live.

Some of my friendships did not end up lasting for as long as I had originally hoped they would when we first became friends, but the memories are still there, and vividly so. I believe each friend I no longer have, was meant to be my friend for a reason. I needed them, and I hope they can say the same about me.

I`ve realized that I`ve had more friendships come to a natural end like that, than the ones that have stood the test of time and distance and life. What calms my anxious and guilt-tripped heart though, is the fact that I can look back at the no-longer-exisiting friendships with a sincere fondness. A smile on my face, a warm heart and softened eyes. I also never know if our paths may cross again.

via @inanotherunivrse on tumblr

It also calms my soul to know that, Allaah Willing, I have time. Time to nurture the friendships I have now, and meet more people and form more bonds.

I think a part of having friends as an adult, is the mutual understand and acknowledgement that your friends also live their own lives. As you are the main character in your life, they are the main character in theirs, with their unique individualized commitments and responsibilites and dreams and ambitions. They are exploring and navigating life alongside you, but you know you have the other one close by.

Platforms such as Snapchat have helped me feel more “connected” to my friends, but it can also feel very superficial. I can have a year-long streak with a friend and still not know how they are really doing. We share what we want to share. It is so very easy to write to someone that “you`ll always be there” for them, but when you actually find yourself in a grey-cloud-stationed-over-your-head-for-months type of situasjon, it can feel easier to pretend everything is okay and continue carrying a mask. That`s one of the reasons why I want to become someone who, once in a while, shoots my friends a message, or a voicenote, telling them that I`m thinking about them and that life sometimes takes me by my arms and flies off with me into the distance, resulting in periods with little contact. I want to take the time to ask them how they`re really doing.

Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) Saying: Souls are troops collected together and those who familiarised with each other (in the heaven from where these come) would have affinity, with one another (in the world) and those amongst them who opposed each other (in the Heaven) would also be divergent (in the world).

Sahih Muslim 2638a